This piece of shit arrived in an email inbox I probably should not be looking, i.e. not mine, exactly. Which is just as well, because if this arrived in my personal inbox, I would have been compelled to email the offender immediately, and remark that her god must have been handing out cow manure for brains on the day he/she/it created her – that could be the only explanation for her choosing to pass on such a piece of aggressive tripe.
God has seen you struggling (with something),
God says it’s over. A blessing is coming your way.
If you believe in God send to ten people,
please don’t ignore, you are being tested.
Right, let’s analyse.
Firstly, it is interesting that whoever composed this email had to specify that God has seen the recipient struggling ‘with something’, as opposed to struggling with, say, nothing. This indicates the level of intellect at which this email is being pitched – hillbilly crack addicts.
Nextly, just because God says that the struggle is over doesn’t mean that the double knot in my shoelace is going to untie itself…unless the blessing is full set of more nimble fingers. I don’t suppose that would be a blessing ol’ God would be too prepared to bestow, being a touch to close to mutantism and all that ala “The Chrysalids.” Next thing you know, you could start saying things like God loves gays, blacks, pre-marital fornicators and Jews, which we all know is just not true!!!
Thirdly, the line “if you believe in God, send to ten people.” Right, so here’s a chance to prove to all your unlucky friends and colleagues that you believe in a personal, involved God who loves you and everything about you, and appreciates you passing on his word to unsuspecting souls who have spreadsheets to complete rather than wasting time reading junk like this. But if you believe, you have to, right? You must feel proud of your pride.
Enter, finally, the concluding line of this abomination of a blessing: “please don’t ignore, you are being tested.” Alright!! So that bit about God helping you etc etc really is just bollocks – if you neglect to pass on this email because, say, your company has a rule against spam, or anything that tests the gag reflex, you will burn in the worst kind of hell imaginable. Because, as always, this is a test. It’s not about offering comfort or help to anyone; it’s about allaying your fears that you will be struck down by an invisible force that wants to end your struggles, but only if you pass his/her/its inane tests.
Ahhhh, it’s all so clear. Please be sure to pass on this email to everyone you know – I am god and that’s my test for you.